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If you watched the X Factor last weekend you would have seen Mary Byrne from Ireland take to the stage to give a rendition of I Who Have Nothing by Tom Jones. A slightly worried Louis Walsh commented that it was a ‘big song’ and Simon Cowell had that ‘oh boy here we go’ look in his eyes.

In the obligatory quick Q&A that comes before the contestants are let loose with the microphone Mary explained that has been working on Till Number 40 at Tesco’s for the past 11 years but said that she’d always wanted to sing.

Well, cue the music… dim the lights… time for Mary to sing… As the auditorium held it’s breath Mary belted out the first few notes and it was obvious that the Tesco tills would be seeing less of her over the coming weeks and months.

When Katy Perry commented that she didn’t know what had stopped Mary singing in the past, Mary’s reply was “low self-esteem.”

Cheryl Cole said the song had given her goose bumps, and the wonderfully honest Mr Simon Cowell said that Mary had the best voice of everyone who had auditioned that day.

So, how could a woman with a voice worthy of praise from each of the X Factor judges have doubted herself and her abilities for so long?

Over the last few weeks I’ve been having a clear up and clear out which included going through old client Breakthrough Session Pre-Questionnaires. Even though they were coming to see me for a variety of reasons, everything from pigeon phobias, fear of public speaking and relationship problems through to stress, anxiety and depression, one thing that struck me was that in around 70% of the cases the issues stemmed back to low self-esteem or lack of confidence.

Given those statistics, it is likely that some of you reading this post might be suffering from similar issues, and as you might not be lucky enough to have Simon Cowell and the nation boost your confidence I decided that I’d share with you a few tips and techniques around how you can overcome lack of self-esteem or low confidence in order to move on with your life and start pursuing some of those long held dreams.

7 STEPS TO TACKLING LOW SELF-ESTEEM

1. IDENTIFY YOUR ‘I’M NOT’ STORY

When the ‘presenting problem’ is explored in more detail clients typically have a story that has played out in their lives, usually starting with “I’m not… ” and finishing with statements like “not good enough” “not worthy enough” “not capable enough” “not clever enough” “not bright enough” “not popular enough.” I think you get my drift. So, if there is something you’ve always wanted to do, or someone you’ve longed to be, ask yourself whether you’re running one of these stories.

2. WHEN DID YOU DECIDE?

Whatever your story might be, ask yourself: When did you decide that you weren’t… (good enough/capable enough/clever enough etc)? When I’m working with clients around self confidence or self-esteem we go much deeper than ‘when my last boss started to pick on me’ type answers, and explore the unconscious decisions that were made. Often times there will be a series of seemingly minor events that kick started the whole process, each one serving to reinforce the other.

3. GET TO THE ROOT OF THE PROBLEM

A bit like weeding the garden, pulling up the obvious culprits means that your garden looks great for a couple of days or weeks, but it doesn’t mean you’ve necessarily dealt with the problem once and for all. Go beyond the obvious and get to the root of whatever has held the belief or story in place and allowed it to permeate your life. The root cause can often be startling and surprising, but when you hit the nail on the head so to speak, you’ll know it. Clients often describe it as a ‘light bulb moment’ where suddenly they can see how this has played out throughout their lives and the domino effect that it’s created.

4. UNCOVER & RELEASE ANY SECONDARY GAIN

Strange as it might seem, even when people are desperate for help to transform their lives and let go of old patterns, beliefs or behaviours they can still be resistant to letting the issue go when it comes to the crunch. One of the common culprits is Secondary Gain which in a nutshell means the benefits or pay off you get from having the problem. For example, if people know that you lack confidence they will step in and do some of those jobs that you don’t like to do such as speaking in public or taking the lead when something needs organising. Seven times out of 10 the Secondary Gain is unconscious and people don’t even realise it’s there.

When faced with the prospect of finally resolving the problem people can get fearful about what they will do or who they will be without it, particularly if they’ve had the problem for some time or perceive that it means taking on some of the roles or responsibilities that they’ve previously been able to avoid.

If you leave the Secondary Gain in tact the chances are that after an initial boost of confidence the old problems and patterns will eventually return.

5. LET GO FROM THE ROOT UPWARDS

Knowing and being able to articulate the problem is only part of the battle. Many people can tell you chapter and verse exactly what’s holding them back, but this does nothing to actually sort it out. In fact this can often make matters worse because people then beat themselves up for knowing what the problem is and STILL not being able to make changes or resolve it.

Over the past 10 years I have found the most effective course of action is to resolve the issue from the root cause and work forwards from there; From a psychological viewpoint working on what you might call the gestalt or chain of events that link to the root cause. I typically use a combination of Time Line Therapy, Huna and Hypnosis to resolve and release the root cause having done some linguistic resourcing work beforehand to loosen things up.

6. CREATE NEW BELIEFS & BEHAVIOURS

Another common reason why people slip back into their old ways is because they’ve done nothing to replace what they’ve removed. For instance, giving up smoking but not installing an ecological replacement means that eventually people find themselves lighting up again.

Avoid coming up with what you think ‘ought’ to be a good replacement belief. Instead, you need to go far deeper to ensure that you come up with ideas that are right for you.

7. INSTALL THE NEW BELIEFS

Once you have elicited the new beliefs, actions and behaviours that resonate with you, install them in your Time Line so that they ‘take root’ in the same way that the low self-esteem had once done. When this is done effectively you start seeing the world and your life through a different set of filters. It can be as though an enormous weight has been lifted off your shoulders or a dark cloud cleared from above your head.

Well, as they say in Showbiz, “Thank You and Goodnight!”

I’ll see you here again for the next Celeb Coach post…

Marilyn Devonish

Celeb Coach xx

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